The spiritual leader Ram Dass once said, “If you think you’re enlightened, spend a week with your family.” Most of us immediately know what he means. Families have a way of pressing our buttons and bringing out versions of ourselves we thought we’d left behind.

At this time of year, the TV is full of adverts showing happy families gathered round a groaning table, or excitedly opening presents. But real family gatherings are rarely that simple. For some, they can be tense, triggering, and full of old dynamics we slip back into before we’ve even noticed.

And honestly? Running a freelance business can feel very similar.

Family dynamics and business dynamics

Family roles get set early. In your parents’ eyes, you might still be the rebellious teenager, the peacemaker, or the one who “never quite measures up.” And when you’re back in that environment, you can find yourself reacting in ways that don’t match who you are now.

Business has its own version of this.

• A client questions your rates and suddenly you’re back in that childhood story of “I’m not worth it.”
• Someone makes a snide remark about working online, and it echoes the family scepticism about “real jobs.”
• You see another teacher’s success post on LinkedIn, and the comparison game kicks in — a bit like when your sibling’s achievements were always put centre stage.

Whether it’s family or business, the dynamic is the same: old patterns get triggered, and your “inner troll” jumps into the game, ready to trade blows.

How to step out of the game

If you’ve ever tried pointing out the dynamic in the middle of a family row, you’ll know it doesn’t end well. The same is true in business — telling yourself “just don’t be negative” or “stay professional” rarely works when you’re already triggered.

The key is to stop playing. That means:

• noticing what’s happening without adding more fuel
• stepping back into observer mode, as if you’re watching it from above
• reminding yourself: This is an old pattern. I don’t have to join in.

Sometimes you need a reset — a walk, a pause, or even a quiet moment in the bathroom if you’re stuck at a family gathering. The point is to remove yourself from the tennis match your trolls are playing until you can re-enter with a clearer head.

The opportunity in the trigger

As uncomfortable as these moments are, they’re also opportunities. Families and businesses both provide fertile ground for personal growth at warp speed — if you can resist the urge to lash out, freeze, or spiral, you gradually build resilience.

And just as family relationships can soften if one person steps out of the pattern, business gets easier when you refuse to let old stories set the tone. A cancelled client, a disappointing launch, or an unkind comment online stops being a crisis and becomes just another moment to handle.

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Want a space where you don’t have to “hold it all together”?

One of the hardest things about freelancing is that it can feel just as triggering as family — but without the built-in support system (even a messy one). That’s why peer support is so powerful.

Inside Designed to Flourish, my six-month coaching programme for freelance language teachers, we don’t just talk strategy. We also share the real ups and downs of business, so you don’t have to plaster on a smile or spiral into negativity alone.

If you’d like clarity on your business and a community that helps you stay grounded when the troll tennis starts, you can find out more about Designed to Flourish here.